ARTICLES
(These articles were featured on www.4therapy.com)

Being Optimistic
By Jill MacDonald, MA, LPC, PC

Optimism means “to anticipate the best possible outcome.” It seems simple enough. However, so many of us struggle to be optimistic. When you observe adults discussing their day, their work, their lives, they seem to complain and focus on the negative more than the positive and certainly, you hear more pessimism than optimism. And based on the state of our country and the world, and the pains and disappointments that we all suffer in life, it is somewhat understandable that people do not feel optimistic.

When you are an optimistic person, people tend to think you are naïve. In fact, Webster’s defines naïve as: “lacking in worldly wisdom or informed judgment.” I do not agree. As a life-long optimist, and hopefully someone who is also emotionally intelligent, I do not believe it is naïve to be optimistic. Nor do I believe that being an optimistic person automatically makes you lack wisdom or judgment. Before you decide what you think, I would ask you to consider the possible consequences of living optimistically or the consequences of living as a pessimist.

As a therapist, I have helped people to grow, learn, and become stronger, healthier, happier individuals. Speaking from a perspective of emotional health, I would suggest that being optimistic is much better for your health and happiness. I know that is a risk. People fear hoping for something to happen and then it doesn’t – and you are left with disappointment. But disappointment can be something that helps us become stronger, deeper people. When you decide to go the route of “protecting” yourself from disappointments and hurt – and you do it long enough – you can become jaded and pessimistic. Either way, we all experience hurt, pain and disappointment.

So how is it really helpful for us to be a pessimist? My suggestion is to choose to be optimistic. Dare to allow yourself to think the best. Hope for the best. See the best in yourself and others. Dream. Care. Love. Believe. This type of thinking is good for everyone. Of course, you might challenge me and say: I will hurt so much more if I am optimistic and “it” does not happen – (whatever that “it” is). That may be true, but it may not. Hoping and being let down hurts. However, we always have a choice of how we see the things that happen to us. Each experience allows us the chance to learn, grow and become a better person. Even the “bad” things that happen can be life-altering experiences that we look back on and appreciate in some way. But the only way we can do that is to look through the eyes of an optimist.

Stop & Smell The Roses
By Jill MacDonald, MA, LPC, PC

We have all heard this expression many times in our lives. As we grow older, we come to appreciate this more and more. We begin (hopefully) to see how precious our lives are and how brief. However, during the years of parenting our young children, we often forget to “stop and smell the roses.” We are so busy and tired or frustrated with a certain stage our children are in, waiting for it to pass. Or we are not taking proper care of ourselves so that we don’t even understand what stopping to smell the roses really means in our daily life!

“What do you mean – smell the roses?! All I smell are dirty diapers!”

I want to tell you that it IS possible. It will take some conscious work on your part – and your partner’s as well. as mothers, we are the nurturers, the givers, the sacrificers and even the CEOs of our families. These primitive instincts serve a purpose, but nurturing, sacrificing and giving can also have detrimental consequences. If we want to teach our children how to take care of themselves, we have to be role models. Otherwise, they will grow up doing the same thing – giving tirelessly and not being able to slow down to enjoy their lives to the fullest.

This is a huge undertaking for some women, especially when we have not been taught to cherish and value ourselves. I am going to offer a few suggestions to help you get started. It is always better to set small, attainable goals. It feels good to reach them, and it reinforces your desire to set more! I can promise that this can dramatically change your daily life and make you a better mom – and more equipped to actually “stop and smell the roses!”

Task #1

Once a month, make a date with a girlfriend (or girlfriends) for dinner. Let your husband take care of the kids (and yes – even put them to sleep!) it is important for you to get out and for him to bond with the kids when you are not around.

Task #2

Drink more water each day and do some form of exercise – even if it’s a short walk. After the kids go to bed at night – work out by yourself! Make that a quiet time for yourself while you are getting your body moving!

Task #3

If you seem to be extraordinarily depressed, down, lack energy or enthusiasm, or feel a lot of anxiety or annoyance, talk with a professional. There are terrific therapists that will help you sort out the “normal” from the “abnormal.” There is no reason for you to not enjoy these years! And, we all have “stuff” to deal with. The more tools we have the better.

Task #4

READ, READ, READ! There are incredible books available on everything, especially on women’s health, relationships, and parenting. Knowledge is power! It will surprise you how much you will learn – and if you apply it – how much peace and empowerment it will bring you as a woman and a mother. Okay – let’s give these tasks a try first for one month. Take one step at a time. Small, steadfast goals!

Understanding The Need To Say "No" To Your Children
By Jill MacDonald, MA, LPC, PC

I don’t know anyone who would say they enjoy hearing the word “NO.” And children especially dislike it. However, as a therapist and parent I know that saying (and hearing) “no” is a vital and positive part of our lives. Some would say it’s just a fact of life that we all have to deal with. That may be true – but that’s not what I’m saying. Saying “no” at the appropriate time is a primary aspect of teaching our children to be motivated, centered, appreciative, happy human beings. Wondering where I’m going with this? Well, let me fill you in!

It’s an understatement to say that we’re living in an overindulgent society. To many, MORE is always better. However, if this is true then there will never be enough – because someone will always have more than you do. So the combination of our material-obsessed society and two generations of parents that overcompensate by giving their children material things rather than time means that children are being robbed of the opportunity to develop motivation and drive in their own lives. Instead they grow up over-valuing things – but lack the drive to work for those things – yet feel entitled to them and even expect things should come easily. Our society is raising children who will grow up missing the primary qualities that make a successful human being – determination and patience.

So, how do we help our children? You begin by saying no. you start to understand that saying no is a tool. You learn that when you say no – you’re teaching your child something. You learn to say no in a non-punishing manner. You take the time to think through your answers, while keeping your focus on the life lesson at hand. Our role as parents is to raise our children to be happy, successful, contributing members of society. Therefore, teaching them to handle hearing “no” – and to understand the lesson behind it – is key.

Too many parents take the easy road and say yes for instant gratification. It gets the child off their back; quiets them down; shuts them up. But let’s think about the damage done from that choice. The kids see your own lack of patience. Therefore, they don’t learn to appreciate what they have, they can become spoiled, and they learn to manipulate in order to get what they want. And later on – they lack the drive and motivation to work for what they want because they feel entitled to it.

Take a few minutes to think about how you handle saying no to your children (or grandchildren). Take stock in the values you hold dear and want to teach them, and ask yourself if you’re working toward that goal. Learn to talk to your children and explain why you’re saying no (that it’s not a punishment) – and what you are trying to teach them from it.